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April 30, 2009

Hopefully, the backstory will help you understand the “current me.” (Which is notably different from “past mes” and “future mes.”) Not that you need to understand, because by the time you understand it’ll all be different – but that’s life, eh?

Age 13 – I learn that women could masturbate by reading a scene in this book, which includes fucked up shit to a level that I am not comfortable with in my current kinky life. However, I constantly attribute reading this book and its association with masturbation to the fact that I do some of the shit that I do.

Age 14 – Wait, am I bi? I’m totally checking out these girls in gym class. God, she’s cute. Look at her breasts. What would it be like to…

Age 15 – Parents convinced that I am a lesbian. I am asked if I am directly two or three times and deny it, because I think that I’m bisexual and they didn’t ask me if I was bisexual. I’m slicing my body to hell with razor blades, my best friend, A.M. is in and out of the mental hospital, I don’t fit in at school, and my father and I are fighting all the time. I meet this awesome dyke at a drama competition. I still can’t figure out if I was more amazed at there being another lesbian other than A.M., or the fact that awesome dyke liked me and not the cute & sexy A.M. She becomes my first girlfriend, long distance, though we manage to see each other a lot over the six months that we dated. Fumbling and awkward, we had our first kisses and lost our virginity to each other. I learn that I like pain, through the simple way of being too overly sensative and needing this more rough to get past the ticklish. I don’t really do anything about this knowledge for several years.
My mother finds out about awesome dyke, and I come out of the closet as a lesbian (not by choice). When my father meets her for the first time, she has a blue mohawk and red eyebrows. The fact that awesome dyke loves and cares about me motivates me to throw away all of my “sharpies.” I have not cut since. (Flash forward: awesome dyke now an awesome man, and I spend several years trying to figure out if I refer to him as my first girlfriend or not.)

Age 16 – Moved to Washington, D.C. Am adopted by local dyke gang and a gay sikh best friend who used to color coordinate his turban to his outfits perfectly. (Am only slightly joking about the local dyke gang. They had blue bandannas, dreads, and several carried knives.)

Age 17 – Had a relationship that you could consider a foreshadowing of polyamory where I briefly dated a woman who was already in a relationship with a man, a situation that was consensual with all parties but did not last long.

Age 18 – I receive a scholarship for being Super Gay in high school and go on to become Super Gay at my women’s college, where I fell into a long term relationship (still my longest relationship!). This ended awfully because of my mishandling and lack of communication. I was so protective of her and did not want to hurt her feelings so badly that I never communicated anything with her, and ended up hurting her in the process. The situation was compounded by me feeling like an awful girlfriend for loving her but not wanting a monogamous relationship and me crushing badly on a guy over the summer.

Age 19 – I refer to this year as “the polyamorous mess.” A year of threesomes, love triangles, and poor communication. Also, my first physical introduction to kink despite knowing I was kinky since I was 13. I was dating a woman who identified as poly and had another poly lover who was married. For years afterward I had nothing but scorn for the poly community because all this experience showed me was that people were using the term “poly” as a way to legitimize hurting each other and sleeping around.

Age 20 – My year of deliberate celibacy, aided by four months in Southeast Asia. Major revelations: I like guys, and had been agonizing over liking men for years. How I present to the world is important – presenting as androgynous, presenting as professional, presenting as whatever – first impressions matter. Also, major gender identity panic. Strangely enough, after contemplating if I’m transgendered, I end up more femme than I’ve ever presented in my life.

Age 21 – My year of the Thesis of Doom, and the first boy I kissed and eventually slept with. In retrospect, I treated him like shit because I didn’t know how to handle my boy-like. However, he also abandoned me after a party and drove across the state drunk off his ass (and I called the state police and reported him). I feel like we’re even.

Age 22 – Graduation! Real world! And, my year of Men and Kink, apparently. I start hanging out with BR TNG and eventually Dark Odyssey. I struggle with my body’s insistence on masochism as a part of my sex life. I acquire a few relationships, and come to terms with the fact that I am poly. Embracing it is the first step to approaching it correctly: if I’m going to do this, I’m going to try and do this “right” to the best of my ability. I am constantly amazed at how effective communication can be, and how much better it is to just say what you feel rather than let it fester and explode all over the place. I attribute this recent major life revelation directly to this past year’s polyamorous immersion. My relationships skills aren’t perfect, nor will they ever be, but I’m working on it, and learning new things about myself and relationships every day. It’s a beautiful thing. 🙂

Age 23 – Coming to terms with the fact that the “lesbian” aspect of my identity is completely gone. I declare to friends on the bus ride home that it must be, because no lesbian would like to [insert lewd act involving a man] as much as I do. I am sure that the fellow ten p.m. metro bus riders appreciated the insight.

Okay. We’re all caught up, I think. Questions?

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