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It’s Been Awhile

October 3, 2009

I think that I lost myself there for a bit. In general. Then I had this major stress explosion back in August.

And in September?

I started dating J.

I moved into DC (I have the internet now!).

I worked ridiculous over time.

And, after spending most of the past month fighting, I broke up with Kiwi this past Monday.

The last was really unexpected and not planned, but that’s how the cards fell.

It’s weird, to know that you can love someone but realize that you don’t want to be in a relationship with them.

That you have values and priorities that six months ago, you didn’t know you had.

I’m still settling into those realizations and the internet has enough mutual friends where the details don’t need to be gone over. Ask me over coffee, perhaps. Or don’t. Either way, continue to love us separately. We’re both still us, though I am acutely aware how many of our mutual friends are in couples now.

So here I am. It’s October. The past two months have been rather hellish. Tuesday and Wednesday I was so completely emotionally drained and run down that I was practically useless on many levels. Poor S tried to tie me up and I could barely keep my hands up for the wrist cuffs. Being dead tired and burnt out does not lead to good scene energy.

And yet. Thursday morning, waking up to the smell of October… Gods I love that smell. I felt reassured that I’ve made some right decisions, reassured that I’m on the right track. That I’m moving towards something. What that something is, I don’t know. But I can actually see the path in front of me now, I’ve stopped looking for the road signs to lead my way and instead, I’m following my instinct. Road signs can be misleading, anyway.

October has started out on a note of contentedness, on self-assurance, on a new sense of identity and purpose.

Life is good.

* * *

I went dancing at Phase 1 (lesbian bar in DC) last night. Realization: I no longer feel any connection with the lesbian community. That sense you get when you walk into a room with a bunch of people that you have something in common with – it’s not there anymore. I’m still attracted to women, but lesbian is a label that well and truly does not apply to me any more. There are a few things I miss about having sex with women on a regular basis (women are generally just so much more responsive, for one. breasts, for another). But if I wanted to have sex with a woman, I could. So what’s stopping me? Why am I only involved with men? Why do I enjoy sex with men so much?

I feel almost straight. Straight and divorced from the community that I grew up in.

* * *

Went to the Crafty Bastards Art Fair this afternoon with C. It was like etsy in person. Only I like etsy better because I don’t have to fight back feelings of crowd-induced claustrophobia. One notable vendor though, artist Jaime Zollars. If I could have justified buying this print, I would have. But that’s a print that I would want to frame, so the $35 impulse buy would easily double in price and – well. I’m trying to be better about money.

I’m always trying to be better about money and I’m always failing. This month, at least, is filled with lots of at home meals. Never mind the money I just dropped on a new suit outfit (classified under “professional investment purchases” so it didn’t have to take it out of my month’s budget); or the perfume I bought because the smell makes me want to have sex with myself; or the fact that I need a new computer like woah because mine is pushing six years old now; or that I’m considering buying a wardrobe at IKEA to fill with all the clothes I’m running out of room for; or the halloween costume I am putting together; or the new porn video I’m lusting after.

(Realization #1: It will be over a month since I’ve had sex by the time J gets back from Turkey, where he’s spending most of October. Realization #2: I’m actually really okay with that. See? Not sex crazed.)

Anyway. So, constant failure at the not-spending-more-money-than-I-should thing. At least I’m not digging myself into debt in the process, just not building up the savings I want to.

* * *

Today I baked: “My Best Chocolate Chip Cookies” on p. 68 of Dorie Greenspan’s Baking Book.

There is now a mountain of chocolate chip cookies in my kitchen. I really only wanted one. Such is life.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Sabrina permalink
    October 3, 2009 10:08 pm

    Hey beautiful. Great to get an update from you, since we haven’t caught up in forever.

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